As I’m sure you can tell, my dearest followers, I’ve been pretty scarce as of the past month or so. I have been busy moving into an apartment and moving out on my own for the first time. I’ve had quite a few medical escapades going on with trying to get a doctor to even think of giving me anxiety medication. It’s been a pretty hectic time.
Then, there’s another serious matter that I believe has come into my life as of recently.
I have the sneaking suspicion that depression has grasped hold of me again in the midst of all this anxiety and stress and uncertainty in my life that has blossomed over the past few months. I find myself having a great deal of difficulty wanting to post cosplay photos, or to even log on to tumblr to begin with! I’ve, again, left my ask backed up with hundreds of wonder messages and well wishes from you guys – and I haven’t answered a single one. That is completely and utterly my fault.
I usually wouldn’t want to broadcast this, but as my asks continue to pile up - I feel more and more guilty that I have yet to offer an explanation for the lack of response I’ve given some people. I’m not avoiding anyone, or anything of that sort - so I hope I can relieve some people’s anxieties if they had been wondering!
I appreciate every single ask I have received. I love that you take the time to send me such kind words.
And so, for now I have to ask that you do me one more kindness and be patient with me. I have every intention to post here again and socialize – but my own mental health has become a bit of an obstacle that I have to tackle and have every intention of tackling.
Feel free to send me an ask still, if you want to contact me. I’m going to be trying to work through my asks and ease myself back into the swing of things. But I just feel like maybe in the past few months I’ve spread myself a little too thin socially, and I need to recuperate. I’ve become increasingly scared of messaging people or responding to messages due to my own anxiety, which is obviously illogical but I just need some time to convince myself that it’s not as bad as I think it is.
Thank you for sticking by me, dear followers. I’ll talk to you all again soon!
I decided to become a comedian at the age of 14. At that point I didn’t know how to be one—but I was eager to learn.
One of the first things I did was visit my local Blockbuster videotape rental store. Turn right as you enter, head to the middle section directly after the really old action movies, and there would be a small series of shelves dedicated to stand up comedy specials.
My comedy masterclass all contained on analog magnetic tape.
Robin Williams had 3 specials available at my Blockbuster. They were the first ones I chose to watch. Sometimes I would question that decision because it was a bit like wanting to learn science and starting with quantum physics. I had never seen a mind work so quickly. He was a world class performer. His timing was perfect. His delivery was spot on. And he adjusted to the audience without missing a beat. He was an inspiration. I still use many of the things I learned from him in my work today. I owe a lot of my success to his teachings.
Like Mr. Williams, I suffer from the same chemical imbalance. My brain is sick and I have been struggling with that illness for many years. At one point I very nearly made the same decision he did. At the time I saw it as the only escape from my suffering. I was able to choose life and move forward, but it was not an easy choice to make by any means. I was facing a lifetime of illness. I could not leave my home. My friends had given up on me. The loneliness was unbearable. I was so incredibly tired. The exhaustion never stopped. Not even for a second.
And to me, the most disheartening reality… I could no longer perform.
The dream I had since I was 14 was no longer possible.
My anchor to this mortal coil was the love I had for my parents. The most amazing two people in my life. Their unending love and support kept me here. I feel so lucky to have that anchor. I’m so grateful to still be around.
I just want to say that I understand the choice Robin Williams made. The choice that countless others have made. I wish with all my heart that they could have chosen to keep going. But I refuse to demonize them or call them selfish for letting go.
A sick brain is one of the most formidable foes in existence. I know for many blessed with health that is difficult to understand. But I assure you this disease is dangerous and pervasive and sometimes it is fatal. Suicide is not about being selfish. It is not about having a weak will.
Your own brain deceives you. It convincingly whispers that all hope is lost. It tells you there is no way to elude the anguish. It blocks your view of all other options and makes you think there is only one method of escape. Only one solution to end this pain. It silences the logical mind that knows that there are other options. It makes you truly believe that you cannot be helped.
I think if certain people could experience this illness, if only for a moment, they might be surprised how strong people with depression actually are. Maybe they could realize how hard people fought to stay alive as long as they did. They might discover it is less of a choice and more of a battle.
To those in the throes of depression… I ask you to keep fighting. I ask you to keep living. Being on the other side of my decision I was able to gain important wisdom I wish I knew beforehand. Contentment is not being happy all of the time. It is learning to cope with the hardships in between the bits of joy. It is not taking the bits of joy for granted when they come. And contentment is still possible even with a sick brain.
If you keep going, you will feel joy again. And you will feel great sadness again. You will feel everything in between. I make no guarantees of ever achieving a perfect, happy life.
Just know that there is help. There is hope. I promise if you seek care and find a doctor your trust, they can help you work through this illness and learn to cope with it. If you put in the work, you will have bits of joy. You will have moments that make life worth living. One day you will look back and be grateful you stuck around to experience the good, no matter how hard coping with the bad may have been.
I will miss Robin Williams dearly. He was the greatest mentor I have never met. He had a beautiful brain with a tragic flaw. My hope is that his passing will bring awareness to the true nature of mental illness. That it will help relieve the stigma surrounding it. That it will inspire others to find better ways to treat it. I think that would be a most fitting tribute to a man that brought the world many a smile.
My heart is with all who have lost loved ones to depression. Giant Frogman bear-hugs to all of you.
I wrote a bit more about depression here. If you need help, it might be a good place to start.
#rumba #djrumba #beepbop. Amazing
fuckit fancy with @regdichab and @harshwhimsy
FUCK IT FANCY IS BACK AMAZING.
This fucking thing exists.
Where has Reg been?
Reg’s been busy being a pile of trash and playing her Homestuck Trash of a Tomodachi Life game.
Gonna go back to my shame now wow.
Bonus: Here’s everyone
THE INFLUX OF FOLLOWERS NOTIFYING ME TO PARADOX SPACE.
Ahahaha omg omg you guys are cute, but I saw it. I DID. THANK YOU BAES.